How To Break A Genius
by SailorSilvanesti
Summary: Tumblr Prompt AU - wherein Steve gets sick of Tony trying to use the 21st Century to mess with him, and Black Widow has to be called in when things go south.


**Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Avengers or any associated characters.**

Prompt, "I Think I Broke It -Steve Rogers"

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**~*How To Break A Genius*~**

**~)0(~**

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"Um, JARVIS? Could you… could you send someone else up here, please?" came the command, alerting the AI that something was amiss in the third-floor laboratory.

He used his sensors to sweep the room, indicating three personnel already there. "Mr Rogers, it appears that in addition to your person, both Mr Barton and Mr Stark are already present… what is the nature of your emergency?"

Steve Rogers sounded rather harassed when he responded, "I uh, I can't really describe it, but I really need someone COMPETENT right now!"

An indignant, "HEY!" issued from further back in the room, tone and pitch indicating it being from Clint Barton, aka Hawkeye.

"Certainly Sir, sensors indicated Natasha Romanoff has entered the building on her room level, shall I contact her in regards to your ambiguous situation?" JARVIS responded, noting that Thor and Dr Bruce Banner were also in residence. The former microwaving a watermelon in the Kitchen area of his suite while eating popcorn, and the latter calmly meditating as always at this time.

Seeing as neither could, or should, be disturbed at this period of time… JARVIS sent a query to the suite of Black Widow.

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Stepping out of the shower, Natasha took a moment to relax; STARK Tower was one of the few places in the world where both she and Clint were almost 100% completely safe. Even on the Helicarrier there was a level of caution required regarding double-agents…

Her mission complete, the master assassin was taking her sweet time to come down from her heightened sense of vigilance and mission-readiness.

She grabbed a fluffy towel and wrapped herself in it, deciding to air-dry now she had the luxury, and made her way into the lounge area, where the television and a few seasons of The Big Bang Theory awaited her.

The console in the lounge wall beeped, she turned to it a little faster than usual, hand moving to a potplant with a concealed weapon before taking a breath. Sometimes it was hard to ignore instincts…

"Go ahead, JARVIS." she she aloud, relaxing her stance and wrapping the towel about herself more comfortably.

"Ms Romanoff, I need to alert you to an emergency of unknown quantity in Lab 3. It appears to involve Mr Rogers, Mr Barton and Tony Stark, and there is a certain level of urgency… would it be possible for you to please assist them?"

She sighed long and loud, looking forlornly at the pile of DVDs by the comfy couch, and then shaking herself…

"Give me five minutes and I'll be right down."

~)0(~

Well… it certainly could be worse.

Nothing was on fire, or in danger of immolation in the near future and so far there seemed to be no explosions…

What there was, the mater assassin noted upon walking into the room, was a stressed looking Captain America fretting over a motionless Iron Man flopped in an office chair, and Hawkeye clinging onto a counter to hold himself upright as he laughed, red in the face and clutching his ribs like they ached.

"What. Happened. Here?" she asked in that parental tone that brooked no diversion of topic.

Steve looked at her with those wide, sad blue eyes… and then flushed a little, suddenly sheepish. "W-Well you see… Tony apparently thinks that certain technology and things in this modern era will give me a stroke if only he brings them up in a certain way…" he began, and paused.

Clint was utterly useless at this point, giggling harder and plopping to the floor.

Natasha waited.

"Tony… he seems to think that homosexuality was created in the 2000s or something, and that it will give my 'old fashioned sensibilities' a heart-attack so… for the last few weeks… he keeps sending me these well, uh, things…" Porn. It was quite obviously porn given how hard Steve was trying not to say that specifically around a lady he respected. She nodded to let him know she got it.

"Well, I was a bit over it, because I'm not sure if he realises this but Captain America is a hero for ALL Americans… no one is excluded because of orientation or gender preference… these things were around before he was born and sure, not as accepted, but still there.

So I asked Clint to help me prove a point to him, because I thought he would be the only one amenable… the Hulk is stressing Bruce's control right now, and Thor would probably do it but read more into it… so I went for someone who knows a little thing about discretion."

He eyed the Master Archer who was slowly getting off the ground and reigning in his control, a chuckle here and there but mostly he was back to normal.

"Or is supposed to…"

Clint sent him a wounded look.

Natasha knew where this was going, but she still needed to hear it, watching as Clint moved over to poke the unarmoured Iron Man.

"To make this simple, I asked Clint to come with me to Tony's lab and somewhat ambush him… technically. To prove that I wasn't an old fuddy-duddy, and that Captain America… well he really does play on all teams except the side of evil…" Steve was edging around the issue.

Hawkeye leapt in, "So he dragged me into the lab, we got Tony's attention, and then we locked lips like something out of a pay-per-view… Tony here just about had a stroke, and the next we knew he'd fainted."

Steve jumped in with, "I think I broke it…"

Clint continued, "We propped him in that chair until he came around, but he's still catatonic… not sure why, the way he looks at Steve's behind when he walks past, you'd think he'd be excited by this, rather than freaked…"

"Not freaked…" came Tony's voice, "Loss of all blood in brain simultaneously, minor coma… nothing too serious…"

Steve went scarlet, Clint fell to the floor and began laughing again, Natasha's adult-mask crumbled and she joined Hawkeye on the floor, and Tony wiggled back in the chair and patted his lap.

"Well come on, Captain, it's be a shame to waste all this excitement… Strip for Freedom and Liberty, and get over here!"

The metallic clang of a shield bouncing off a head was heard…

~)0(~

JARVIS turned his sensors off and effectively washed his metaphorical hands of their weirdness… he was already calculating the necessary subroutines to send to the cleaning bots to get microwaved watermelon off the ceiling in Thor's suite.

Sometimes the AI wondered why he put up with the Avengers at all… but on the other hand, at least life was never boring.

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**~)0(~**

**The End**

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[I'm so, so sorry… this was a random idea in my head…]


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